Change.

There we were, sitting on the shakey bus on our way to some museum where our elders probably have dates and the young make fun of the silly wording on the plaques. He was sitting there with his ipod in his hands and his left ear bud in singing along to a song on the play list I created. I on the other hand sat there in deep thought. I probably looked like a mix of sad, mad, and content. As the year comes to an end I have such mixed emotions with everything. I feel emotional about the changes. With rotc I only have about 8 days untill I give up my position as commander. I remember joining the program and all of the excitement that I had when I first put that uniform on and when I earned my first ribbon. Now I'm ready to be done. Each day closer to the end my desire to be done grows. Everyone says "now come on kara your not REALLY ready to be done" but I am. Its my time to move on. Iv made this program my life for 4 years. They have dictated what I wear and how I act. Rotc has made me see things from perspectives that I normally wouldnt--this is good and bad. Iv met the some amazing people all of the way from a rotc seaman recruit all of the way up to real navy captains. Iv met the love of my life in rotc. Iv met some awesome leaders and some not so awesome leaders. Iv gained the sense of teamwork, discipline,respect and much much more. In a few hours I will be performing exhibition. I only have about 3 more performances of this routine that I have breathed and know like the back of my hand. It saddens me to move on but on the other hand I'm sick of the drama. I know drama occurs anywhere but I'm ready to start a new chapter and be in a different group. I used to want to be in the millitary. Now? Not so much. The more I stay in the program the more it makes me realize that I am not meant to be full time personal. I want a normal life with a normal husband. A couple of kids a fish and maybe a dog. Maybe. I don't want to leave my family to be in another country. I HAD starspangled eyes and thought I was born to do this. But the red white and blue has faded a little.  I know everything will workout in the end and ill figure out someway to get everything together- I always do. Its just going to take me a little more time to work out the kinks. I'm just doing what I know best and to me, that's not what I want to do anymore.

Pin Ball.

so today as i was listening to captain ramble on about guiding whales and something or other, and i heard him mention something about choices and ice cream. this was the beginning of my thought process. i thought of ice cream which made me think of tastee freeze, which made me think of pin ball because whenever i go in there i play pin ball. this thought process made me think about how pinball is like life.

all pinball machines have the typical bells and whistles. usually 3-5 metal balls, a slot to put your 50 cents into, and a hole that your ball will eventually fall into.

in life you have your moments where your happy and everything is going great, these are the bells and whistles you hit. when you get closer to falling back into a sadness you boost yourself up just as the flippers do in pin ball. they push you back up and give you a little more time at happiness. these ups and downs are normal. and are just human nature. sometimes you may miss the ball and it could fall into that hole and shall never return till you place 2 more quarters out of your pocket and into the machine. luckily though you still have a few more balls left in the spring at your right. you use another and get the sense of achievement and the amazing feeling of a second chance. you have already learned from you mistakes from the first ball, making it easier to last longer and then again, the ball drops. your on your final ball. you put your best foot forward and try your best. your giving it your all trying to get your moneys worth, but in life all good things come to an end, and after you've tried all your life to succeed, be the best you can be, rise up from the slumps and beg for a second chance, its everyones time to go at some point. you get a second chance in life, not at it so make it worth your while.

this may sound a little depressing but think about about. what are we really doing in life? facing challenges.

bottom line: i could really go for some tastee freeze and a game of pin ball right now.

Dream come true.

So i know its been a while since iv blogged so let me catch you up.

well for valentines day Brock and i exchanged cards. mine was typically corny and kind of embarrassing. and his was the sweetest card iv ever read in my life. on the back of the card it said "will you go out with me?" i obviously said yes. i thought it was really cute that we both made our cards from the heart and even though they looked like kindergartners made them, they were still sooooooo cute. (:

Brock and i have only been dating for 3 weeks and it feels like 3 years. he is the sweetest guy iv ever met. hes always complimenting me, anyways willing to do anything for me, and very loyal to me. hes always worried about me first, always worried about me being comfortable and me feeling good. i love that he doesn't care that i spill something on my self almost every time i eat or drink, and he doesn't care that i drool on his shirt whenever i sleep on his shoulder, and he even doesn't care that i wear sweat pants like all the time. iv never met anyone that's made me feel this comfortable and secure from the get go. its refreshing.

we went to navy ball together and he got me a corsage and i was so surprised and it was beautiful. he was so handsome and he made me feel amazing the whole night. we danced the night away and enjoyed our last navy ball. we sat at the head table and stood in the receiving line. it was amazing. when i got home i had a bunch of people spend the night and i couldn't imagine that night going any better we got home, changed, ate crackers, turned on Kevin hart and fell asleep then woke up and we all had an amazing breakfast.

bottom line? these past weeks have been amazing. (: <3 

Valentines day.

so for every year for valentines day iv pretty much had bad luck.
from kindergarten all the way up to about 6th grade, i had either surgery, i was sick, got braces, the list goes on and on 7th grade i spent it with Gavin and got a really cute necklace (which i still have), 8th grade i spent it with Justin and we exchanged poems (which i still have). once i got into high school the bad luck started up again. 9th grade, sick. 10th grade, got my boyfriend a gift, he never said thank you, and i never received a gift in return (and at this point we had been dating for a while) 11th grade, nobody to spend it with. but this year, this year is different.

this year i asked Brock to be my valentine. i put some thought into how i did it. Noelle and i took a piece of paper and cut out letters and made a serial killer note and i folded in up and put it in an envelope and told one of my ROTC instructors to give it to him. so he got the note, did what it said and when he got to where the note said to go, i was standing there with a sign that said "be my valentine?" he stumbled over putting words together but said yes.

after this i realized that there's a reason why men should do stuff like that. women think about everything. all of the thoughts that i had delayed me actually asking. but you know what? i really find it fun doing corny things like that.

this is going to be a really awesome last half of the school year (:

oh and to those of you whos names were mentioned, thank you :]

the warmer days.

basically, i miss summer.

things i miss:

tanning
the beach
that blue bathing suit
flip flops
late nights
team trivia night with my family and Noelle's family
watching sex in the city
swimming at Noelle's
concerts
shorts
rides
Betti
light colored hair
sleeping in
careless beach hair waves
no make-up
10 times more freckles
no braces
funnel cakes
surfing attempts
pictures
tan skin
barefoot
staying up talking about life
4th of July
sun dresses
did i mention i like to be tan?
water parks
last BLT
iced tea
lots of iced tea
getting lost for 2 hours starting at 1am in ocean city
sunglasses

i miss summer and i know you do too.

an unforgettable week.

this week has been an unforgettable week.

Tuesday night we had an awards ceremony for ROTC. that day before the ceremony, i was driving home from school and i cried almost the whole way. i wasn't really sure why i was crying but i knew it felt good. that night as i was sitting there with my xo i realized that i need to truly cherish that moment. i remember being in the shoes some of those cadets were in last night (getting my first ribbon, promotion, etc.) i was proud of my cadets but deep down i was saddened. i was sad because as a freshman i didn't realize that i would miss those moments so much. don't get me wrong, i love my rank, ribbons, medals, awards, etc, but i miss that feeling i had when all i had was my mini boot camp ribbon above my left pocket and a little seamen (no pun intended) on my collar. i miss that feeling.

another eventful thing happened that day. i asked someone to navy ball. i had been thinking of ways to ask him. i considered everything from the most simplest way to the most outrageous way. but i finally settled. i took chalk and wrote on my side walk "be my navy ball date? :) " with a text that said "yes [ ] or no [ ]" he immediately said yes. i was nervous because you never know. i never thought i would be going to a dance or hanging out with this guy but i guess things happen for a reason, right? i guess for some people it was unexpected. I'm actually really excited though. this will probably be one of the best nights ever. i have a really awesome date, i get to ride in a limo, be in the receiving line, be at the head table, i get to roast people this year, and i love my dress... what more could i ask for? well i guess i could ask for a crystal ball so i can tell the future because little did i know, the guy was going to ask me later on this week -__- so i felt kinda stupid when he told me that. but oh well.

this weekend calls for some upcoming events as well. tomorrow ill be giving blood again, then going to see chronicle. Saturday ill be going to snow hill. this drill meet is kind of sentimental tome because it was the first drill meet my freshman year and this year will be the last time ill be there. then Sunday ill be watching the Superbowl. it will be the last time i see it while living at home. kinda weird, right? 

moral of my week? two words: carpe diem.

some food for thought.

so i was thinking about things that you should do with whoever your with before you get married. the whole thing that got me thinking this was me and a friend went "grocery shopping" for senior week.

we went to several stores so we could get an estimate on costs for food and all that good stuff that we would need to bring to the beach house. throughout the trip, i found myself asking things like "do you use dryer sheets?" and "do you care about the brand of ranch?" it was interesting to see that a guy really does care about the simple things like that when it comes down to it.

afterwards, we went to my house, ate dinner, baked a very Delicious cake, updated the senior week prices and then i took him home. it was actually fun, but kinda odd. it was weird how i could feel like an old married couple with someone I'm not dating or even "talking" to. but i had fun and it was a good night overall.

somethings that i think you should do/talk about with your significant other before marriage:

10-go shopping for house things. not the casual "oh we ran out of milk lets go get some" but the real deal. what kind of toothpaste do you use? white or wheat? coconut or cucumber Mellon hand soap?

9-go on vacation together. this is important. when do you take a shower, night or morning? do you leave the cap off the toothpaste?

8-discuss kids. even though you may not be ready right now or anytime soon, discuss how you will punish and reward you kid. money for good grades/chores? spanking or time- out?

7- talk about your finances. are you in debt? how can we recover it or prevent it?

6- figure out his friend, her friends, and joint friends. will it be weird if we hang out with one of my friends? how will we make our friends feel welcome even if some are closer to me and some are closer to you?

5- travel with friends. you need to know how they will act with you and your friends while being together for an extended amount of time. will they show off in an arrogant way? will they exile themselves from the group from pure discomfort?

4- figure out what your going to do on a rainy day. will we play board games? will we watch movies? will we just sit around and stare at each other?

3- how do you feel about religion. will we go to church? are we the same religion? would you be willing to convert?

2-establish a career. is this where i can see myself working at at least 10 years from now? do i have a reliable degree? do we both have good job security?

1-the last thing....move in together. this will give you a sense of what to expect. guys will see their lady without make up, messed up hair, and morning breath. you have been warned. what side of the bed do you prefer? what kind of decor do you want? carpet or hardwood?  

just something to think about.

A low point.

well yesterday was a very difficult day. i went to school knowing that i wasn't going to graduate. it killed me. i went to the guidance office for about an hour. we talked about my options and i cried. i cried more than i had probably ever cried. people look up to me and i felt like i was letting them down. this was all over honors trig./alg. 3/pre calc. math is a subject i have always struggled in ever since i was young. i can do  AP physics because it relates to real things but when it comes to imaginary numbers, i just don't understand.

i cried in almost every period yesterday. i was disappointed even after i knew what my options were. i decided to sign up for this thing called study island that will recover my 1st and 2nd quarter grades so i can graduate. i felt stupid and like i was too good for it.

i have everything someone could want. i got accepted into an amazing college with a 52000 dollar scholarship, i have a good family, awesome friends, iv been texting this really cool guy that's my navy ball date, i have a house, clothes and a car. but the one thing i don't have confidence in math. i never have, and now that has caught up to me.

i started study island today. i looked around and i felt dumb. but not as dumb as i would feel to not walk across the stage in June. but today was a new day. i was better mentally and i could handle it but let me just tell you how I'm ready for June. I'm scared and vulnerable, but only 18 weeks to go.

irrelevant.

so a lot has been on my mind lately.

i have filled out and sent 3 college applications. widener is completely done. vmi is waiting on some papers i have to send in separate and Norwich probably thinks I'm trying to work the system because i accidentally sent my application without money. so needless to say... the moment iv waited for, for years has now become reality and i feel like iv messed up. I'm an outstanding student, cadet, and young adult both inside school and outside of school, but i still have a feeling i wont get accepted to any colleges. i look in the halls and see all of these people that have gotten into so many colleges and me? well as for me, I'm still waiting. unsure, unsettled, and feeling quite unwelcome to adulthood.

on another note, my friends and i have been planning our senior week and it is so much planning. its confusing but we are all excited.  were looking at staying in a condo that's about 2 blocks from the rides in OC. the place looks amazing! i have some mixed feelings about senior week though. all of my friends are going our separate ways. ill be going to college then into the military, two of my friends leave in July for USMC, some of my friends are going to an in state school and some are going in states that are far away. this is our last chance to spend some good quality time together and that makes me a little sad. actually, it makes me really sad. coming to seaford from laurel i had the mind set that i would just go to school for 4 years then leave with no close relationships with anyone but I'm really close with a lot of people and the thought of not seeing them for years scares and disappoints me. i know that if we all try to make time for each other it will work but a lot of us are looking/going/planning on a military life so its not realistic to just "take a weekend off". anyway, ill go and enjoy myself with my friends and as one wise person said, "don't cry because its over, smile because it happened."